Guess What: Rape's Not Funny When the Victim Is A Man, Either

I know Jezebel is low-hanging fruit, but I can’t resist picking apart their new “Sexytime Dilemmas” column and its endorsement of sexual assault, which apparently is okay when the target is a man.

One of the letter-writers wants to know how to get a guy to try anal play. Jezebel’s “sexpert” responds (TW for sexual assault):

If you want this to work you’re going to have to be very delicate, and take things slowly. No one wants a dry finger shoved up their butt at random. In my experience, guys are generally more open to new concepts, and trying out new things, when you have their dick in your mouth. (This is because fellatio slows their brain down to a point of temporary retardation, which means their guard is down.)

…So, while you’re sucking, start playing with his balls and then slowly move moving your fingers back in the desired direction. Be conscious of how he’s responding to your touch. If he flinches as soon as you start poking around in that area, that’s not a good sign, but don’t give up hope just yet. Wait a minute or so, then do something fancy with your tongue to distract him and try again, rubbing lightly around the outside of the hole, as not to scare it….Basically, never give up and remember that with a little perseverance you can do anything you put your mind to, Susie!

I’ll say it several times since apparently people still don’t get it:

This is sexual assault.

This is sexual assault.

This is sexual assault. (Cont.)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Serial Dater: the Politics of Dating

I had a pretty terrible date recently. I visited my home state of Iowa for a few days and seeing as how there’s not much to do, I spent my time catching up on reading, watching season 5 of Gilmore Girls and chatted on dating sites. This meeting, back in Chicago, was the result of one such correspondence. He was smart, funny, fun, fit and had big beautiful eyes. By all accounts, he was a catch. But he had a secret.

I’ve always maintained a social circle of varying political stances. I can recall many a heated conversation at dinner parties about contradicting beliefs. Once, a bartender friend of mine told a public teacher friend of mine that 30 students per teacher sounded fine and if you liked your job, you should be able to do it. The teacher replied that if the bartender had fewer kids in his class growing up, he might have had a better education and could get a job that allowed him to keep his shirt on at work. Inevitably, by our second drinks and the arrival of our entrees, our differences seemed farther away. The baiting, shouting, laughing and earned respect for each others’ differences was always more enjoyable than the food.

So I felt like a hypocrite when my date told me he was a Republican. “I’m sorry, what?” I asked as though I must have misheard him. “I’m a Republican,” he repeated. “Is that a problem?” “No, of course not,” I assured him and myself. “Just… uncommon among gay men, that’s all.” (Cont.)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Choice and consent are not, in themselves, sacrosanct values. When I think about the terrible choices that some people are forced to make, I can see why some feminists are suspicious of S&M. I still think they’re wrong if they tell me that I’ve been abused. But when I think about people who choose to get HIV, I can see why a feminist who doesn’t like S&M would look at it and be afraid of abuse.
Clarisse Thorn, What We Said At Slutwalk

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Look.

I am not a member of an inferior sex.

I am not promiscuous.

I do not take birth control as means of controlling promiscuous nature.

I do take birth control as a means of hormonally controlling a pre-existing condition.

I do take birth control in an effort to protect myself against a potentially life-threatening condition.

For me, pregnancy is a potentially life-threatening condition.

I can barely afford birth control as a means of controlling said pre-existing medical condition.

I do want birth control covered by a cost-effective health care solution, as it is technically medication to control abnormal bleeding and a potentially life-threatening condition.

Lindsey Gavel, I Have Rights Too: Why I Refuse to Vote Republican in November

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Consent Does Not "Ruin the Moment"

People who oppose sensible things like anti-harassment policies at conferences keep bringing up the same tired myths about dating, sex, and romance: that it’s very important to have “mystery” and that making things clear and explicit “takes away the fun” and, worst of all, that asking for consent “would ruin the moment.”

I encounter this myth a lot in my work as a sexual health peer educator. When I talk to people about sex, I always emphasize the need to ask for consent whenever you’re doing Sexual Stuff with someone, and I am often asked, “But wouldn’t asking permission for stuff kill the mood?”

Sometimes I wonder what planet such people are living on, and whether or not they have, in fact, ever had sex. Because to me, there’s nothing hotter than asking someone if they want me to do [insert sexy thing here] to them and being answered with “Fuck yeah!” or “Yes please!” or, you know, just doing that thing. (Cont.)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

The Blame Game: Battle of the Exes

I recently went through another round of my significant other’s ex girlfriend inserting herself into our relationship.  Beyond any question of cheating (we were in a presumably monogamous relationship), physical or otherwise, I was struck by her fixation with me.

I’m not a possessive person when it comes to relationships or even friendships.  I’m not the girlfriend who freaks out over another person flirting with my partner in public.  I understand that for most people, there will be past relationships and, honestly, if you don’t have exes then I have a few questions.

But this girl. Oh, she got to me.

Source: inourwordsblog.com

An Imperfect Deconstruction: The Cultural Effects of "On The Road"

In his day, Jack Kerouac defined a new generation of writers: the Beat generation. He and authors like him grew up reading the works of Francis Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemmingway, and Gertrude Stein. The Beat generation jazzed, searched, and sexed (but not necessarily in that order). On the Road chronicles the life of Jack Kerouac the rough the lens of Sal Paradise and thrills of Dean Moriarty. Both characters reflect real life persons, the former Jack Kerouac himself and the latter Neal Cassidy, a man dripping with masculinity and drive to experience life viscerally. On the Roadcaptured a generation of readers who, dissatisfied with their dog-eat-dog world, yearned to leave it all behind and live free of constricting responsibility. Sal Paradise did just that after he divorced his wife, faced the anxiety capitalist culture, and, unable to buy into conventional forms of consumption, rejected normative life. Dean Moriarty offered a cathartic way out. His escape: life on the road. (cont.)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

The Making of the Bro-Hug: Photographs of Early American Male Friendship

Men with their arms draped around each other, leaning against each other, linking arms–these pictures make the bro-hug look standoffish. These aren’t couples posing–these are the equivalent of that time in middle school when Picture Day had the option of a friends’ photo. This is American male friendship, as it used to be–a time untouched by “no homo.”

As George Chauncey explains in Gay New York: Gender, Urban Culture, and the Making of the Gay Male World, 1890 to 1940, in the early 19th century, there was no conception of heterosexuality and homosexuality, but rather the gender* role one acted during sexual intercourse. Sex, gender, and orientation were understood differently in early American culture and socialization–or rather homosocialization–followed suit. (Cont.)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

To Clutch or Not To Clutch: The Marvels of the Man Clutch

It’s the mental checklist you run through before locking the door and adventuring into the night: iphone, earbuds, chapstick, pack of Gauloises, monogrammed butane lighter, keys, cash money, driver’s license, card credit, library card, and passport (what happening dandy isn’t always ready for international travel?). Yet it’s too much. Unless you travel with a pack mule—and pack mules will be the number one accessory of Spring/Summer ’13, trust me—there’s no place to put all that stuff.

These are the days of skinny jeans and sleek silhouettes, the days of pocketless cardigans and slim-fitting jorts. Nobody’s got room to carry all their necessary accessories. And now, thanks to technology, a hipster-ish nicotine habit, and an addiction to chapstick, we have more personal cargo than ever before.

It’s time to deal with this problem once and for all. (Cont.)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

11 Ways Men Can Be Better Feminist Allies

1) Educate yourself.

One summer, in high school, I literally read every book the library had about feminism. You don’t have to go that far, but a familiarity with concepts like male privilege, slut-shaming, and rape culture can give you a lot more understanding of how gender works.

2) Don’t be that asshole.

Don’t assume that the women in the room have no idea what they’re talking about regarding gender. (If they clearly don’t, well, see #4.) Don’t expect to be thrown a parade because you’ve decided to vote pro-choice. Don’t forget that most men are not feminists and that many feminists are survivors of rape or abuse, and that you’re not sending out Beacons of Awesomeness that show that everyone has to trust you. Check your privilege. (cont.)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

I think the human body is pretty much the most awesome thing around, and I hope that you, my sexual partners, do too. I don’t get grossed out when you get erections, or ejaculate, or sweat more than I ever thought was possible, even though those are things my body doesn’t do. In my book, those are just some of the many amazing features of your body. When you can recognize that my period is just my body confirming I’m not pregnant (a fact you should be in favor of), you’re giving me that same respect.
Emily Heist Moss, Throwing Down the Towel: Why Men Should Be Cool With Period Sex

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Men in the Morning Hours

Some mornings, I don’t want to leave my bed because my man is adorable. I want to sleep for 1 more hour next to him.

Some mornings I do.

When I am late heading to work, I take the 4 to the 3, 16, or 50 on 4th and Hennipen and 4th, a block north of the Brass Rail where The Gay 90s! rests. The Gay 90s!: Minneapolis’ answer to a mainstream gay bar.

On Fridays, the twinks and their straight, female friends dance at The Gay 90s! I’ve been told in hushed tones, “The Gay 90s!? That’s where the black gays go.” (cont.)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

But here’s the thing, y’all. We women, we fear men. Seriously. We are brought up in a world where we are told not to walk alone, live alone, or show up anywhere alone. We’re taught to carry rape whistles (which are oh so effective… oh wait, not at all), mace, pepper spray. I just told you all that safety comes first, but I was really talking to the women because men don’t have this same concern. And while I realize women sometimes assault other women, the reason we’re told not be alone is because MEN do things to us that are clearly not cool, including things like assault, rape, harassment, and the like. It seems as though this understanding is lost on many men in Chicago, and I’m sure over the world. The thing is that men (most) don’t have to worry about this. And the ones who do are usually mistreated because they come off as feminine or they are called a “girl”, which clearly equals bad.
Melinda McIntire, I Love Dudes, But A Lot of Times I Don’t

Source: inourwordsblog.com

The frustrating thing about century-old policies–if there can be one frustrating thing–is that they do not take into account evolving social views. To a great many people who are LGBT or allied, from former and current scouts and leaders to parents who are trying to figure out how to explain exclusionary policies to their youngest children, the Boy Scouts organization has erased 100-plus years of social change and identity acceptance. While upsetting, this isn’t too surprising a stance. The Boy Scouts of America was founded in correlation with the YMCA on the basis of having a strong, Christian moral outlook that retains a cornerstone of male dominance and heterosexual monogamy with as little deviation as possible. The Scout Oath concludes with the phrase “… to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight,” a term which the BSA clarified as straight-oriented with a 2004 policy statement: “Boy Scouts of America believes that homosexual conduct is inconsistent with the obligations in the Scout Oath and Scout Law to be morally straight and clean in thought, word, and deed.
Kevin Sparrow, Scout’s Honor: Examining the Boy Scouts’ Record of Homophobia

Source: inourwordsblog.com

I still think this is mostly bullshit, because all the confidence in the world can’t make someone keep banging you once he’s decided he doesn’t want to. I’ve got a genius-level IQ, man. I’m fucking funny. My problem (and i think most of our problem) is that when I think I’ve done everything right (neither calling too much or too little, using a variety of sex moves and not on the first date, only talking about shit that is exciting and fun, paying my half even though I suggested a cheap restaurant and only ordered 1/3 of what I wanted), the fucking thing still goes to hell anyway. I’m not worried about being the hottest cupcake in the room, I need whatever it is that makes him want to keep eating even though he licked all the frosting off. Riddle me that shit. Give me that pep talk. Dudes always (falsely) think you want to figure out how to get one to go home with you. We already fucking know, man. 1 have a vagina 2 see number one. Aside from chaining him to the radiator, how do you convince him to stick his ass around?!
Samantha Irby, Men Are Simple Creatures, Darling

Source: inourwordsblog.com

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