Notable Assholes: On Being Called A “Shemale Stripper”

I ran into quite a few notable assholes and bigots while touring. They were absolutely the exception, far outnumbered by the people who – in person, on Facebook, and via email – told me how much they enjoyed my work, and how important it was to them. I heard from allies, friends and family and partners of trans people, trans people themselves, and those who had never before encountered someone who so strongly questioned society’s gender assumptions. And yet, I also encountered some assholes and bigots.

Cincinnati was the first fest, and the fist asshole, with a volunteer asking if she could call me by my old name, and later that you “can’t erase a Y chromosome.” For more on that, check out these three posts.

Kansas City had the following delightful interaction:

Call Me Maybe is playing loudly in the background.

ME: This song reminds me of camp. My campers sang this song constantly, and I had the chorus in my head for weeks.

HIM: Who the hell would let you near campers?

Of course, he quickly backpedaled: He wasn’t speaking for himself, just on behalf of others. He would never doubt my qualification to work with children, but wouldn’t every other person on the face of the planet? (Read More—>)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

How My Sexuality Helped Me Feel Sexy

Being queer has helped me feel better about my body.
But probably not in the touchy-feely way you’re thinking.  Let me explain.

Exhibit A: My big belly.

I have always had a very defined, not-at-all disguisable belly, and everyone knows that having a flat toned stomach is the only way for female Americans to even possibly be remotely sexually appealing.  Even being the very bright and critical young girl that I was growing up, I was not exempt from feeling my share of the overwhelming pressure that our society puts on girls to be thin.  As much as I tried to simply not think about it–to avoid the profile image of myself in the mirror, to never step on bathroom scales, to try on clothes with M on the tag and just never buy anything—it was an unavoidable fact of my existence.  I was fat.  The girls who were popular and had boyfriends were all thin.  All signs pointed to the fact that my fat belly was a liability to my happiness. (Cont.)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Is There A Point to Cheating?: Being Sex Positive and Against Infidelity

So, I was thinking about the word “slut” this week. I was thinking about the word “slut” and it sparked some mental churning. I began to think about how it’s been used in my presence or towards my person. This, then, took me on a magical journey of memories and philosophies that I hold inside my grey neighbor upstairs. I began to ponder the world’s dilemmas and accomplishments associated with the word “slut.”  This simple four letter word had a major impact on me.

You see, I always marveled at the glory that is the word “slut.” I love it. I love people who embody it. I am proud to see this word in an entirely positive light. What’s wrong with a good ol’ slut? It just so happens that I am not in the habit of slut-shaming. I happen to be sex-positive;  to think sex is great, and people who have it are great, just as great as those who don’t. Sex is not something that should evoke shame. I know this. In fact, recently, I’ve looked around and started to feel like our society is starting to learn it, too. Sex is everywhere: we sell it, buy it, live it. Why shouldn’t we? (Read More—>)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

In the hierarchy of basic human needs, dating isn’t listed. This is no oversight. If you’re worried about things like a place to live and food, don’t worry about dating. This is more than a philosophical view, it’s a practical approach. I imagine the hilarious conclusions of a first date conversation in such a state would sound like this: “What do I do? Well, I’m currently in between jobs. Actually, I’m in between places too. I’m in between a lot of things but what I’d like to be is in between you.
Adam Guerino, Serial Killer: Priorities

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Support the Scholars Program at Affinity

Affinity’s Scholars Campaign is raising funds to support 6 months worth of programming, training, and mentoring for queer young women of color in Chicago.

The Scholars Program is a leadership development experience for queer and transgender young women of African descent between the ages of 18 and 24. Up to four candidates receive a 10 month opportunity for training in social justice, non-profit management, and community organizing. Scholars also work on individual research projects and coordinate an annual youth summit while receiving mentorship from LGBTQ women of color and allied community leaders. (Read More—>)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Where Does Identity Policing Come From?

I bet we’ve all experienced at least one of the following:
(1) Being told we don’t “belong” to a group we think we belong to.
(2) Having someone assume we’re part of a group with which we don’t actually identify.
(3) Hearing someone else identify with a group to which we belong, and being annoyed because we don’t consider them a part of the group.

Where does identity “policing” come from?  And why, in the LGBTQ community,* of all places, does it seem to happen so often?  I was pondering this the other day and came up with a short list of possible (no doubt interrelated, and no doubt often subconscious) reasons (cont.)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

In a perfect world there would be no need for labeling our sexual identities or having to explain our gender identities and/or why these might be subject to change. This unfortunately is not the world in which we reside, which is why straight people should not identify as queer. As much as I’d love you for straight folk to say, “Screw labels!” and, “Let’s show the rest of the ignorant world why it doesn’t matter!” it unfortunately does not have the same effect because the rest of the world is in fact ignorant. If we continue with that argument that straight people should reject labeling their sexual identity, the rest of the ignorant world will (unfortunately) associate a heterosexual queer label with a non-conforming sexual identity. Let me say again, if all heterosexual couples and people rejected labeling their sexual identity to further insure the world we live in that sexual consisitancy or fluidity is irrelevant, I would be absolutely elated. This concept for the world that we will in is unfortunately much too radical for comprehension.
Ariana Barreto, Straight Up Queer

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Why I Don’t Use The Term “Privilege”

By the standards of many within the queer community, because my assigned and self-chosen gender identity are not at odds with one another, I fall into the category of the “cis-privileged.”

Referencing our feminist and anti-racist theoretical predecessors, we have championed the use of the term “privilege” in hopes that we can illustrate the difficulties faced by certain groups that go unrecognized by others, including other self-identified “queers.”  This originates from a good intention, to make the experiences of those facing persistent danger, harm and bigotry, those judged most harshly by society, more visible and present in the minds of those whose lives have largely been spared such indignity.  Indeed I often hypothesize, give “for instances” and share anecdotes about the experience of “sexual otherness” in attempts to broaden the perspectives of folks who have never thought of how others might have it.

But I have, because of some never articulated but deeply held principle, never used the word privilege…

Source: inourwordsblog.com

It isn’t “for us, by us”–it is for mothers and fathers who can sympathize with the minister and his wife, it is for people who need this lens to agree with gay marriage. This ad is for the people who will think “Huh, this guy is a minister and he approves of gay marriage?”–because they do not know ministers who not only approve, but also advocate for marriage equality and conduct ceremonies for same-sex couples.
Gail Goldsmith, For the Mothers and Fathers Who Sympathize: the Focus of Rev. Rossing’s Pro-Marriage Ad

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Lady Gaga is a brand name the way same Justin Bieber and a lot of other subpar people are. You know what you’re getting with Gaga. You’re getting the original, the cutting edge, the unique, the born this was, etc. etc. Her image has been defined for us so it can be sold to us. And the positive causes, such as promoting youth empowerment and putting an end to bullying which Gaga champions, get sucked into this image. The positive causes endorsed by Gaga are taken over. They become part of her marketability. The endorser overshadows the endorsement. The public statements and interviews and rallying cries Gaga issues become part of her marketing campaign, the goal of which is to convince you not to stop bullying or to promote equality, but to spend your money on Lady Gaga. The endorser, not the endorsement, is what gets the attention at the end of the day.
Fred Morrow, The Branding of Art: Why I’m Not Buying Lady Gaga’s Perfume

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Words Can Hurt Us, Too: Offensive Terms That Shouldn't Be Used As Slang

Even when these words are not directed to offend, I believe they can further promote and perpetuate the system of oppression and social control. Though there are numerous meaningful movements to take back and maintain control over certain words. I feel that it makes sense to avoid using words casually or as slang, instead using words that provide insight and understanding that pertain to the message at hand.

Again, the purpose of this blog is to incite thought and invite change, for what words I think do more harm in our society than do good when used casually as slang, and here’s why…

Source: inourwordsblog.com

HHS Clarifies That The Affordable Care Act Prohibits Discrimination Based On Gender Identity

Have you ever been discriminated against in our health care system? The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) recently confirmed that the Affordable Care Act’s (you know, Obamacare) ban on sex-based discrimination includes discrimination based on gender identity. This confirms the Task Force’s longstanding position that federal civil rights statutes that prohibit discrimination on the basis of sex include protections against discrimination on the basis of gender identity. (cont.)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Ally Ethics 101: Please Don’t Say “My Gay Friend”

“So-and-so means well” is a kiss of death and a condemnation of competency.  Allies in the LGBTQQIA community and movement do have good intentions, but there are a few key ways to avoid that slammer of a sentence and live into better, more thoughtful ways of being an ally without tripping yourself up.

Like so:

“I love my gay friends, but I just couldn’t bring myself to vote against Amendment One, because marriage is really important to me.”

This was actually said out loud by someone I know.

“I’m all for gay marriage, but Chik-fil-a shouldn’t be criticized for how it does business. Why are people so worked up? I really hate to say it, but shouldn’t everybody just get used to people not agreeing with them?”

Yeah, this too.  (Can we all tell I’m living in the South right now?) They self-identify as allies.

It would be a dream if every queer persons’ friends, family, classmates, co-workers, bosses, and acquaintances asked, “How can I support you and make you feel welcome?”  Small hints, encouragements, and explanations—whatever you have the emotional energy for—is an investment towards decreasing exasperation with would-be or well-meaning allies.  How to be an ally is by no means the biggest question or conversation in the equal rights movement, but it bears discussion. (Cont.)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Holding the Space: Being Good Allies For Our Straight Co-Conspirators

When I think about what it means to be a good support person, an ally, I think about a post by my friend Molly @ first the egg once wrote about parenting. Molly describes a concept in midwifery practice called “holding the space,” in which “a calm, focused, loving person can protect a space in which the laboring/birthing person can do what she needs to do.” As a parent, Molly writes, she strives to be “that nonjudgmental presence keeping the noise of the world at a manageable level while [her children do] the hard work of learning to live in it” (emphasis mine).

When it comes to being a good queer ally for straight family and friends, most of my personal practice revolves around this idea of “keeping the noise of the world at a manageable level, ” of holding the space where all of us — regardless of who we desire or how we identify — can be rather than be judged.

How to hold that space, exactly? Here are a few thoughts.

Source: inourwordsblog.com

When I do my makeup, whether I’m toning it down or living it up, I’m doing it for myself. Just knowing this, knowing I would do this small thing for my own enjoyment, empowers me beyond belief. In those few minutes I take to paint my eyes and lips, I feel like a soldier suiting up for war. Well, maybe less of a soldier and more of a go-go dancer. Well, okay what I’m trying to say is that I feel empowered, strong, and ready to appreciate every amazing thing that comes my way. That’s it, I feel like a go-go soldier.
Barbara Crowley, Shattering the Ideals of Artificiality: Why This Queer Woman Loves Wearing Makeup 

Source: inourwordsblog.com

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