In Defense of the Use of the Term “Friendzone”

Only recently did I become aware of “The Nice Guys of Okcupid” tumblr.  At NGoOKC, online dating profiles of self-proclaimed nice guys are posted along with their responses to various questions (e.g., “Do you feel there are any circumstances in which a person is obligated to have sex with you?” and “Is a girl who’s slept with 100 guys a bad person?”) which make them seem like the total opposite of nice.  To be clear, at best these men do not know the difference between being nice and being good and at worst these men are just ignorant hypocrites.  While I have qualms with social media shaming sites like this one (and the culture of web shaming, overall), one of my biggest issues here has less to do with the purpose and content of NGoOKC and more to do with appropriation into the dbag lexicon of a perfectly acceptable and useful term: friendzone.

The admin of the “nice guys” site suggests that friendzoning is a term used by “nice guys” who feel women owe them something in return for their so-called friendship. The admin clarifies: “They [“nice guys”] can’t see being a friend as a good thing, so they refer to it as being ‘friendzoned’ in a negative context. They treat the whole time they spent with the woman as a waste. Needless to say, the whole theory is sexist, misogynist and dehumanises women. Anybody who uses the term seriously is an idiot.”

I do not find friendzone theory, as the admin calls it, to be inherently sexist.  I espouse a more neutral use of the term friendzone.  Some psychologists, like Dr. Jeremy Nicholson, would describe the friendzone as a situation in which one individual’s feelings and expectations are different than the other individual’s feelings and expectations, such that the relationship stays a “friendship” and never anything more.

Read the rest of this post here.

Source: inourwordsblog.com

The Accidental Anti-Feminist Wave: Blowing Your Troubles Away There are certain issues in life that are just fact, no matter how much we discuss and berate and liberate, the fact remains just that. Factually women have struggled, still struggle in many parts of the world, to be allowed priviledge to the glorified platform of unbound opportunity. Factually, men and women are biologically different: women have periods and babies, men don’t. But is it really fair or in any way factual to say that women have extreme emotions and men don’t? Men like cars and football and women don’t. Women bitch and scream and are irrational; men drink beer and are oh so very simple. Those of us fortunate enough to have been born in relatively liberated countries such at the US and UK, have found ourselves in a position of excellerated female opportunity. We’re not there just yet, but sure as an ass is a donkey, we have made considerable ground since the beginning and even mid 20th century. So why then do some of our female counter parts insist on lowering the tone and throwing the anchor roughly upon the head of progress? Knock me sideways and called me a bitch, I am SICK of female self-subjugation…(cont.)
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The Accidental Anti-Feminist Wave: Blowing Your Troubles Away

There are certain issues in life that are just fact, no matter how much we discuss and berate and liberate, the fact remains just that. Factually women have struggled, still struggle in many parts of the world, to be allowed priviledge to the glorified platform of unbound opportunity. Factually, men and women are biologically different: women have periods and babies, men don’t. But is it really fair or in any way factual to say that women have extreme emotions and men don’t? Men like cars and football and women don’t. Women bitch and scream and are irrational; men drink beer and are oh so very simple.

Those of us fortunate enough to have been born in relatively liberated countries such at the US and UK, have found ourselves in a position of excellerated female opportunity. We’re not there just yet, but sure as an ass is a donkey, we have made considerable ground since the beginning and even mid 20th century. So why then do some of our female counter parts insist on lowering the tone and throwing the anchor roughly upon the head of progress? Knock me sideways and called me a bitch, I am SICK of female self-subjugation…(cont.)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Guess What: Rape's Not Funny When the Victim Is A Man, Either

I know Jezebel is low-hanging fruit, but I can’t resist picking apart their new “Sexytime Dilemmas” column and its endorsement of sexual assault, which apparently is okay when the target is a man.

One of the letter-writers wants to know how to get a guy to try anal play. Jezebel’s “sexpert” responds (TW for sexual assault):

If you want this to work you’re going to have to be very delicate, and take things slowly. No one wants a dry finger shoved up their butt at random. In my experience, guys are generally more open to new concepts, and trying out new things, when you have their dick in your mouth. (This is because fellatio slows their brain down to a point of temporary retardation, which means their guard is down.)

…So, while you’re sucking, start playing with his balls and then slowly move moving your fingers back in the desired direction. Be conscious of how he’s responding to your touch. If he flinches as soon as you start poking around in that area, that’s not a good sign, but don’t give up hope just yet. Wait a minute or so, then do something fancy with your tongue to distract him and try again, rubbing lightly around the outside of the hole, as not to scare it….Basically, never give up and remember that with a little perseverance you can do anything you put your mind to, Susie!

I’ll say it several times since apparently people still don’t get it:

This is sexual assault.

This is sexual assault.

This is sexual assault. (Cont.)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Why I’m Practicing Electoral Abstinence After Lena Dunham’s Ad

I will not concern myself here over the petition of young conservatives for refugee status in the event President Obama should be re-elected. Instead, I intend to focus on the litter of Facebook statuses, blog posts and tweets I have been reading from my progressive peers over the stakes of an Obama loss.

The Obama campaign, its loyal worshipers, its begrudging apologists, Bruce Springsteen and Joss Whedon have all assured me that a Romney victory is tantamount to the apocalypse (I suggest you take a break now and go watch a clip from one of the most amazingly awful movies of all time, 2012).  They even secured an endorsement from Lena Dunham, the spokesperson for my generation, evidently (I must have been in a Rip Van Winkle like slumber when she was elected because I don’t understand the appeal, at all.  I’ll save delving into that for another occasion).  In an ad that was designed to  ruffle a few Republican feathers (errr, tickle their elephant tusks?  That metaphor was doomed before it began), Dunham describes how “your first time shouldn’t be with just anybody,” how “you want to do it with a great guy,  “someone who really cares about and understands women.”  Then, in a twist appropriate only for latter-day M. Night Shyamalan movies, it turns out she isn’t talking about losing your virginity, but voting in a presidential election. (Read More—>)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

5 Reasons Mitt Flunked With Women

From the “binders full of women” remark to his fumbling of Lorraine Osorio’s name, Mitt Romney’s debate performance was nothing short of terrible when it came to addressing the needs and concerns of women across America.

1) “Binders Full of Women” Really, Now?

His answer just screamed, “Hey, I’m not sexist! I had women in my cabinet!”

So he gave himself a pat on the back for instituting a bit of affirmative action when choosing his cabinet as a newly-elected Massachusetts governor. Anyone could’ve seen that coming, even if it’s not what he actually did.

But instead of standing flat-footed in front of a young woman and millions of viewers, explaining why he opposed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act before it was passed, he constructed a “bridge to nowhere” all his own — shifting the topic to nebulous assertions about the need for a stronger economy. That’s a point no one can disagree with, right? (Cont.)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Why is this so hard to understand? If you want sexual attention, then it’s not harassment or assault. It’s flirting or sex. If you want to be catcalled, then it won’t feel like harassment to you. When you make a sexual comment towards someone without their consent, you are running a huge risk of harassing them, but if it turns out that they wanted to hear that comment, they’re probably not going to complain.
Miriam Mogilevsky, On Men Who Think Street Harassment Would Be Awesome

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Poster Boy: What We Talk About When We Talk About Chris Brown

[Trigger warning: Abuse.]

There’s a lot that troubles me about the ongoing Chris Brown-Rihanna saga.  It’s now been over three years since photos surfaced on TMZ showing the wounds that Brown inflicted on Rihanna, a physical assault that not only destroyed their relationship but also left an indelible imprint on the popular consciousness.  The very image of Rihanna’s abuse was inescapable and continues to be so.  In fact, just this week, a school in New York reenacted that night (in blackface!) for a pep rally and an audience of spectators that didn’t seem to mind that the students involved reenacted a woman’s brutal abuse for laughs at a SCHOOL ASSEMBLY.  When the school apologized for the students’ skit, they mentioned the racist element of the proceedings (which was also beyond effed up), but not the assault aspect.  Luckily, Jezebel was there to remind America that abuse isn’t funny.  Because guess what?  Abuse is never ever funny. Ever. Ever. Ever.

But what troubles me just as much as the students’ behavior is the ongoing discursive tabloid space that their embattled relationship occupies.  In the media’s obsession with Chris Brown and Rihanna, the abuse element has always been front and center, forcing us to remember her trauma and relive it, when Rihanna has publicly made clear her desire to move on.  People who continue to bring it up say that they want the best for her and to empower her to make good choices, but where is the agency here?  (Read More—>)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Notable Assholes: On Being Called A “Shemale Stripper”

I ran into quite a few notable assholes and bigots while touring. They were absolutely the exception, far outnumbered by the people who – in person, on Facebook, and via email – told me how much they enjoyed my work, and how important it was to them. I heard from allies, friends and family and partners of trans people, trans people themselves, and those who had never before encountered someone who so strongly questioned society’s gender assumptions. And yet, I also encountered some assholes and bigots.

Cincinnati was the first fest, and the fist asshole, with a volunteer asking if she could call me by my old name, and later that you “can’t erase a Y chromosome.” For more on that, check out these three posts.

Kansas City had the following delightful interaction:

Call Me Maybe is playing loudly in the background.

ME: This song reminds me of camp. My campers sang this song constantly, and I had the chorus in my head for weeks.

HIM: Who the hell would let you near campers?

Of course, he quickly backpedaled: He wasn’t speaking for himself, just on behalf of others. He would never doubt my qualification to work with children, but wouldn’t every other person on the face of the planet? (Read More—>)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Fighting the Same Battle: On the Shooting of Malala Yousfzai

The recent shooting of Malala Yousafzai has torn me up. Deeply. You’d have to be an automaton to feel anything but grief. But she continues to hang on, and along with the rest of the world, I hope that the doctors at Queen Elizabeth Hospital in the UK are able to save her.

I mourn the disruption, if not the destruction, of a young and very promising life. But violence is often a response to fear, and it gives me hope—real, fierce hope—that the Taliban is so terrified of a teenage girl.

They should be.

Malala Yousafzai stands for everything the Taliban does not. She stands for good books and informed choices and speaking in the public square. Malala stands for principled and fearless resistance to the forces that threaten her very existence as a girl—and in a couple years, as a woman.

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Let’s Start A Body Revolution: A Response to Lady Gaga Fat Shaming

At the end of September, Lady Gaga launched a campaign she is calling the “Body Revolution” in response to criticisms which she received for supposedly having “fattenedupandpiledonthepounds”. People are just jerks sometimes. She launched the campaign on part of her social networking site, LittleMonsters.com, saying:

My mother and I created the BORN THIS WAY FOUNDATION for one reason: “to inspire bravery.” This profile is an extension of that dream. Be brave and celebrate with us your “perceived flaws,” as society tells us. May we make our flaws famous, and thus redefine the heinous.

The singer admitted to having gained about 25 pounds recently, but for her that is not a fact of shame. In fact, based on the site and the conversation it is generating, she seems to be a triumph over the fact that she has struggled with “Bulimia and anorexia since I was 15.” In this brief statement, she says a whole lot. Society pressures us to be a certain way, to have a certain body, and we often cave to that pressure. With making a public statement like this about her weight gain, she is saying no more. No more. (Read More—>)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Is There A Point to Cheating?: Being Sex Positive and Against Infidelity

So, I was thinking about the word “slut” this week. I was thinking about the word “slut” and it sparked some mental churning. I began to think about how it’s been used in my presence or towards my person. This, then, took me on a magical journey of memories and philosophies that I hold inside my grey neighbor upstairs. I began to ponder the world’s dilemmas and accomplishments associated with the word “slut.”  This simple four letter word had a major impact on me.

You see, I always marveled at the glory that is the word “slut.” I love it. I love people who embody it. I am proud to see this word in an entirely positive light. What’s wrong with a good ol’ slut? It just so happens that I am not in the habit of slut-shaming. I happen to be sex-positive;  to think sex is great, and people who have it are great, just as great as those who don’t. Sex is not something that should evoke shame. I know this. In fact, recently, I’ve looked around and started to feel like our society is starting to learn it, too. Sex is everywhere: we sell it, buy it, live it. Why shouldn’t we? (Read More—>)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Art School Confidential: The First Time I Tried to Come Out to My Father

I remember the details of that day like it was yesterday.

It was a Saturday. Chilly-ish for an early September day. Mom was working that morning, and Jamey and I were home with Dad. Dad was making Polish crepes for a late breakfast – the recipe that he’d learned from Grandma. Jamey, as per usual, was smothering his crepe with jam and powdered sugar. Eleventh grade me should have been salivating and anticipating drenching my crepe in maple syrup, but there was something weighing heavily on my mind that was preventing my hand from reaching for Aunt Jemima.

It was wrong, these thoughts I was having. I couldn’t explain why, but I knew, even then, that I shouldn’t even be entertaining this idea. I needed to come clean about the brochures I’d been hoarding; needed to stop visiting those websites when no one else was home; needed to be honest with everyone about the feelings I’d been suppressing.

I cleared my throat.

See, every little girl goes through a period in her adolescence when she wants to be a veterinarian, and nothing but. It’s all animals, all the time – until she discovers boys, or other girls, or something like cheerleading or swim team.

For me, it was different. (Cont.)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Not Bullying Awareness: A Response to Wisconsin News Anchor Jennifer Livingston

By now, many of you have seen the video of La Crosse, Wisconsin’s WKBT News anchor Jennifer Livingston responding on air to an email she received from a viewer. In an email with the subject line, “Community Responsibility” (eye roll already) the viewer wrote:

“It’s unusual that I see your morning show, but I did so for a very short time today. I was surprised indeed to witness that your physical condition hasn’t improved for many years. Surely you don’t consider yourself a suitable example for this community’s young people, girls in particular. Obesity is one of the worst choices a person can make and one of the most dangerous habits to maintain. I leave you this note hoping that you’ll reconsider your responsibility as a local public personality to present and promote a healthy lifestyle.”

Many people have posted and reposted the video, along with blog posts about the video, like the piece from Jezebel titled “The Best Thing You’ll See All Day.” (P. fucking S. It certainly was NOT the best thing I saw all day. Quit lying to me, Jezebel. You’ve been warned.) I’ve read comments on these posts describing Livingston as awesome, badass, exemplary, etc. But in listening to her response, I did not see a strong woman taking a stand against bullying. I saw a hurt and conflicted person trying to defend her emotional response. Additionally, I found her seriously unconvincing in her attempt to make this about bullying prevention. Let’s explore these two issues separately. (Read More—>)

Source: inourwordsblog.com

Let me tell you some facts about my face. My eyelashes are not long enough. My cheeks are not pink enough. My lips are not shiny enough. My skin doesn’t subtly shimmer; it is not dewy, sun-kissed, or bronzed. I know you have some of the same problems because you are a human woman and apparently we human women aren’t born with the features that human women are supposed to have. At least, that is what I’ve gleaned after 24 years as a media-consuming individual.
Emily Heist Moss, Why Makeup Is a Waste of My Time

Source: inourwordsblog.com

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